I know it's late...

.. I'm sorry. I have realized that it is extremely difficult to pick a certain day to do blogs and post them when that day is so insanely hectic all the time. So, here is my solution... I am going to try and post at LEAST every other week, I'm aiming for once a week but we'll see how that goes. For now I am not going to be posting on a specific day because I feel there is so much that is going on during the week but at the same time I've been feeling like there isn't really a whole heck of a lot to talk to you guys about. I don't know, I guess I'm just getting over whelmed lately.

Well, since it has been so long I guess I will kind of catch you up to speed on where I am at right now and what has been going on. Oh, by the way, I am realizing that it is extremely hard to focus on just my weight with this blog because I've learned that every aspect of a persons life that affects who you are, the things they do, and in turn, the way they look. So, with that being said, I will still be posting about my goals and my weight loss challenges and experiences, of course, but I might be talking about a little more than just that, I hope you don't mind.

Before I actually fill you guys in on whats been happening I want to first say thank you to all of my support that I have. I can't tell you all enough how much you mean to me and how much of a difference each of you have made in my life. As you all have been able to tell this is extremely hard for me, not just the blogging and the weight loss but the entire journey. However, even through all of this it's nice to know that I still have people cheering for me and routing me on. So again, thank you. <3

-ps. look for the next upcoming blog 'the fill in' for everything that has been going on. It should be up soon.

Love you all!

<3 Sami

numbers 2 & 3

Hey guys, sorry I missed last week; I guess this is going to take a little more getting used to than I thought...
Well since I missed a week to fill you in, now you get double, aren't you excited? you should be. (;
So, lets get started:
Since I last posted I started out by going shopping, I know what a girly thing to do but whatever I actually needed to.. Here's why: Since I have been working out with my support team (for a few months now) my clothes have been getting really big, in fact so big that for the past month my workout SPANDEX have been falling off of me just because of the roman chair exercise on ab day; mind you, with the roman chair I'm not even really moving a lot in this exercise I'm just lifting my legs to contract my abs so imagine how much worse things got for me and my spandex situation when I would run (yeah, not so good.) Well I decided since I was having this problem it was officially time to go buy new work out clothes, so I did! Lately while I've been working out I've been having a problem of over heating more than usual. For me it's a normal thing to over heat, I'm used to it, it happens all the time, but for some reason at the gym it has been really bad and I couldn't understand why. My support told me I should get shorts instead of the longer spandex to help keep my body temperature cooler, so that's exactly what I went shopping for. When I got to Sports Authority I decided to try a size smaller in spandex than normal  since the pair I had were too big. Now, I have always been an extra large and even for a lot of spandex brands extra large was too small for me because of my big 'ol curves so going down to a large size was a huge deal, and one I didn't really think was smart because I expected the spandex not to fit. I didn't plan on going to the store to be humiliated, that's the last thing I wanted but I wanted to try for fun and see if my body size had made a change even though the scale hadn't, heck the scale number even increased so my worries were definitely high. Anyway, I grabbed a few different brands in the large size, along with an extra large of course since the large never fits, and tried them on. To my amazement all the extra larges were really big and the larges fit, no matter what brand! It was great, so I bought a pair of the spandex work out shorts and went home happy as a clam. Well the next day my sister wanted to get some work out clothes since she had none so I went with her for fun and I decided to wear my new shorts and we planned to work out later so I didn't want to have to change. After walking around places for a bit we finally got to Sports Authority and by the time we got there my new shorts were starting to slide down in some places and ride up in others because there was extra fabric from them being too big, I couldn't believe it I had bought them yesterday! So since we were back at the store I figured I would try some more spandex on, maybe it was just the brand. While I was walking around I started thinking about what my boy friend had said to me the night before when we were talking about my new shorts, he kept telling me "baby you're not a large.. you're a medium honey just deal with it, you're a medium" and of course I told him he was crazy. As I was picking up more clothes I couldn't get his words out of my head so I decided to humor him, though he wasn't there, and decided to prove him wrong. I seriously grabbed 6 to 10 different brands of work out spandex all a size medium and took them to the dressing room and tried them on; every single sticking pair fit perfectly! They were comfortable, I could move, I could breathe without circulation being cut off, and they looked really good, I mean dang my butt looked awesome (haha) it was wonderful, so I bought the pair that looked the best, felt the best, and were the cheapest since I had just bought other workout clothes that I was wearing and only had so much money. Of course when I went home and told my love he laughed and said "I told you so" because he was right, but dang was I happy he was. - Now guys the last time I have been a size medium was, I want to say, 7th or 8th grade, maybe freshman year, that was a really long time ago. Now I know when it comes to my jeans and stuff I'm not as small as I was in 8th grade yet but I'm getting there... Still, how exciting is that?!! I still can't believe it. These past two weeks I have gotten to work out in my new shorts and they are wonderful, I am so happy.

Well as awesome as this story is, I want to tell you about one other thing that was HUGE for me these past couple weeks that actually happened just the other day... As if the shorts weren't enough proof for me that my body was changing and that I was making progress God blessed me with another miracle and showed me how much change I truly had made. The other day I was laying in bed and my love and I were talking and resting while he was holding me. All of a sudden he just looked at me and said that he suddenly realized how small I really was getting because of how far he can put his arms around me, and of course being me I said whatever and didn't believe him. Well I got out of bed a little later to get only God knows what and saw a measuring tape used for fabric (it was flexible, not the hard metal kind) and for some reason I picked it up. I don't even think I realized what I was doing until I did it but I unrolled the measuring tape, put it around my waste at the belly button, and measured my size around; my boy friend came over to me, looked at me and then read the number, 37. I was shocked... 37??? he had to be joking, there was no way. The last time I had measured my waste was a little before Thanksgiving and if I remember correctly that number read 43, he had even checked it, how in the heck was it now saying 37? We measured again, this time he put it around me and held it and it came out the same, one time it even came out at 36 or 35. How is that possible, especially since my scale says I have gained weight? I don't understand how but Thank God!!!

One of the men on my support team, who is one of the greatest and most genuine caring men I know, kept telling me in the beginning that it's not about the number on the scale, it's about who you are. This journey is about me being healthy and making a difference in my life. It's about me loving myself for who I am and what I look like no matter what that stupid scale says. I remember this man asking me one simple question when I started working out with him, he said "Sami, if you were 400 lbs but looked exactly the way you wanted to, everything being perfect however you see yourself as being, would you care?" and of course I said no, but I don't think I actually believed that answer until today, until now. I'm so excited with the progress I now see, I can't even begin to explain how much it means to me to be able to find good and accomplishment in myself. I know this isn't easy, it hasn't been so far and it's not going to be. I have had struggles these past few weeks with starting to get sick, battling sleep problems, and eating habits that I know I need to kick. I know going ahead that the hardest thing for me is going to be my eating, it always has been and for some reason I can't seem to get it under control for very long, but I will. My eating will not always be my problem, I refuse to let it hold me back from truly loving me. I can do this, I know I can!

Thank you all for all the support you have given me, it truly means a lot to know there are people here for me; we all need someone, we all need to be loved. I hope through out this journey I can be an inspiration to some of you to learn to love yourselves and believe that you can achieve anything, you ARE worth it. I'm finally starting to believe that about myself. God has blessed me so much with all of you and I can't thank him enough for that. Please leave any comments below. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this, I know it's really long; I just wanted to share my joys I found with all of you. Well God bless.

ps. My weigh-in today was 207.. gained a pound but whatever I guess. I'm losing inches so I'm happy. <3

The start

Alright guys, here it goes... # 1: 12.30.'12
This is the first post of many to come about the journey to my life change. Thanks again to everyone who has decided to come along on this journey with me. I look forward to hearing from all of you and getting feedback on how I am doing. Thank you all again. 

Background:
I figured the best thing to do first was to start with a little bit of background so you know where I am right now and how I got here. I'm not going to start back as far as when I was a little girl, all you need to know was my insecurities started in elementary school and have never left. I've always been the 'fat' friend so because that's how I thought everyone else saw me that's how I have always seen myself since... 
Anyways, around May (maybe June) of this past year, 2012, I decided I was tired of being the fat friend and was ready to change my life, not for the right reasons, but whatever it was a start. I signed up for Weight Watchers Online and began to track my food and do really well. When I started Weight Watchers Online I was at the highest I have ever been in my life, 217 lbs. That's when I realized that I have let myself go to far. Like I said, I have always had weight issues and I have always been the 'fat' one; when everyone else was a size 1 or 3 I was a 9 or 11, that's pretty big. Though I wear my weight well and I don't look as big as I am I was never comfortable with what I saw or what the scale said, so I needed to do something. Like I said I started Weight Watchers. I paid for it myself with money I had gotten from my birthday, I think, because I knew it would mean more to me if I forced myself to have a potential loss instead of my mom. Since I started I have had times where I do really really well for a few months and then I stop tracking and gain weight back. There was a point a few months ago that I got down to 196 lbs and that is the lowest I have gotten up to this point...This past October I was on an Emerging Leaders (honors) trip and it was there that I realized that the people around me already see me as the person that I want to be and that I'm the only one who doesn't. I realized that I have been letting a false belief I've had about myself for so long hold me back from doing the things I want to, all because of how I look on the outside. That's pathetic! I finally understood that I needed to make the change so I talked to a leader I'm really close to and he agreed to become my trainer. Both him and another leader that works out with him have become my special trainers and I work out with them every Monday - Friday for the past few months now. (yes there have been some days I have missed but it happens.) They help push me and keep me motivated. 

As of right now: 
I weighed in this morning at 206 lbs...fantastic...it's a starting point...
I have decided that as of right now I am starting my tracking again, starting today! I made a grocery list for my mom this morning of good food I want for the house that I can cook and make snacks with so I can focus on eating 5-6 meals a day like I'm supposed to and so I can eat better. 

I'm not excited to be back up so high but I knew it was coming because of the things I have been eating. Everything is about choices and I know I haven't been making good ones, especially since it's that time of the year. Well, I guess now I have a place to start and you all know where I'm at so here we go on our journey together. 




Viewer discretion advised:

I am going to post pictures below of me this morning after I weighed in so you can see my starting point... vvv This is where I am today and where I never want to be again. As hard as it is for me to put these up because they make me uncomfortable and I know they aren't flattering I truly believe this is what I need to do. This is my next step to actually making success and making my life change. Thank you for the love and support.

- Sami <3

- sorry about my little sisters trash can (: -

The plan

So I decided it was time... Time to start and truly get my life in order. Time to finally become who I have always wanted to be and who I know I am inside. Time to finally hold myself accountable and take another step into the space where discomfort lies so that a change can be made. Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy or comfortable, there is always a challenge when you are fighting for what is right. It's when you conquer that challenge and succeed in your dreams that you can make a difference. 

I've decided it is time to lay it all out there so that everyone (who decides they want to and care enough to) can follow my progress and help hold me accountable... The hardest thing for me has always been loving myself and accepting who I am because of what I've been told and how I was treated. Despite the fact that I have always been the person to see the beauty and good in other people, I have never been able to see that in myself and I want to. I'm tired of not loving who I am and being proud of the person God created me to be. I'm tired of people telling me that I'm the only one who doesn't see the good, the beauty, and the potential. I'm tired of being the only person who doesn't love me for me. It's time to change! 

As hard as this is going to be for me to do I know that I need to do this...

Here's my plan: Starting today I am creating a blog (obviously) and posting about my life and what I am going through. This is not going to be about every thing I am dealing with and it is not my goal to post everyday. This blog page is specifically targeted to my challenge of learning to love who I am and shaping the outside of my body so that it matches the inside. That's it. My goal is to post once a week, I'm aiming for Sunday's because that's my weigh in day, to update you on how I am doing and the challenges I faced that week, etc. In every post I will put in my weight for what I weighed in at ... joy ... and possibly once a month I will post a picture to see if any progress can be seen by all of you. We will see how this all goes.

Well, I guess wish me luck and thank you for deciding you want to be a part of this journey with me. I look forward to making a difference in my life and I'm excited that you are coming along to help me on this ride. By the way, please bare with me while I figure out how to do this blogging thing because I am sure it does not look super beautiful but whatever. hah (: Thanks again and I'll see you on the other side. 

- Sami <3